Six years

“The road of sorrow is the road to heaven, but there are wells of refreshing water all along the route” Spurgeon

This quote said to me by a dear friend has run through my mind many, many times since I first heard it sometime in the past year. What rich truths that when absorbed can (And should. And will) alter the depths of despair lent to those of us who weep. So often I am looked at with wide and disbelieving eyes and words fall out of mouths that cannot/will not find any sense in the suffering that they have seen in my life. (And certainly not only mine but others) I hear talk of unfairness and the favor of God and the claim of goodness that is available to those who have that much faith and I cringe because this is not what we are promised. IT IS NOT WHAT WE ARE TOLD.

My joy in the Lord came swiftly when my world collapsed. Or rather, tilted with the expectation of collapse which is deeply hard to balance on going forward. Pipers diagnosis will always be synonymous with a peace that I had never felt before; the trust that the Lord has sovereignly entrusted great griefs in my world has been a joy that I will weep through till the day I meet my savior. But I know it to be true. And I weep. I spent the better part of 30 years expecting that the Christian (loosely claimed) life were to be rich and good. In my naivety I assumed that to mean homes, children, finances and never not ever did it dawn on me that each of those boxes would not suffice when I did indeed need a Lord who was rich (in love) and good (above what I comprehend). How sweet it was to learn that. And how hard.

It’s been almost 9 years since I learned what Spurgeon has said to be true. Nine years since holding my tiny baby girl and being told things that still, to this day, at this moment makes every nerve in my body strum in sorrow. My life was to be exactly what Spurgeon says.

And on April 3, 2012 I held that daughter that I wished I only needed to be faithful enough to keep and instead that I wept for the sadness and rejoiced for the truths that her life taught me and I felt her heart cease to beat. That heart that I grew in my womb. Her blue eyes were closed and she was bruised and it was not what I had hoped and yet it was the road to Heaven. I ache to know that that day was the hardest of my life but this also is not promised to me. While I wish the road to heaven were happy and free and the sorrows only slight bumps along the way I know this not to be true.

Tomorrow I will have spent six years missing my Piper. Both entirely too long and just yesterday. I miss her daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally and deeply. I wish I knew who she would be today and I miss the little one she once was. But mainly Piper is the reason the Lord is my strength and my joy; her life made me see this. She is a piece of my story that this world will never be able to redeem and I am learning to trust this to be best and still to ache that it is not so. Loving her was refreshment to me and loving her goodbye maintains my absolute need for my Savior. I have nothing else.

Six years. I love her so and I always will.

“Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”